This Made My Day

This was recorded in the June 2008 issue Harpers Magazine under the title "Cheaper Cell"

From a memorandum by Mohammed Atef, A.k.a. Abu Hafs, and Egyptian-born Al Qaeda leader who died in Afghanistan in 2001, to Abu Khabab, an Al Qaeda member.

In the name of Allah, Mst Gracious, Most Merciful-
Honorable brother Abu Khabab, salaam and may Allah bless you and grant you good offsprinf, amen.
When I came back from my trip, I heard about some incidents that took place between you and the brothers. I was very upset about what you did. I hope that you can explain your point of view by writing a detailed letter, because I won't be able to see you.
1. The tickts: I obtained 75, 000 rupees for you and your family's trip to Egypt. I learned that you did not submit a voucher to the accountant, and that you made reservations for 40, 000 rupees and kept the remainder, claiming you had the right to do so. We believe that a brother should take only what he needs for the trip. I would like you to know that we have never given such an amount to anyone else. Abu Abaida granted me this money to you under great legal stress. So I hope you will meet with the accountant and give him a copy of the tickets as well as the remaining amound.
2. The air conditioner: You have not paid the 20, 000 rupees for it. As you know, the appliances used by brothers in Al Qaeda are not considered anyone's privade property but rather part of a trust. Brothers are allowed to use furnature until they leave, at which time they should return it.
3. Your salary: You added an amount to 3, 000 rupees to your salary for three months during your sick leave. told you you were not entitled to it and that you had to check with Abu Obaida about it. YOu said you were in need of money. I told you to send the money back to us and that we would help with whatever we could. The following day, as I recall, I sent 15, 000 rupees to help procided that you paid back the amount added to your salary. I waited, but you did not sent us the money, so please explain this issue to the accountant or to brother Othman.
4. The memos: I also heard that you went to the Shari'ah Institute and took the memos pertaining to special courses. You are not allowed to do that. THese memos belong to the Institute, whether they were photocopies or originals. Send the memos back where they belong.
5. The car: Please turn over the car to brother Othman at the Al Qaeda guesthouse. This is an order you must follows as a member of Al Qaeda.
6. Conduct: I learned from brother Othman that you talked to him in a threatening manner. You should not have done that, because we are all brothers in the eyes of Allah. If you believe you were treated unjustly, all you have to do is to tell your official brothers about your feelings.
You know very well--my Allah have mercy on us--that we are both equally responsible for the aforementioned amounts of money. I would like to remind you that you pledged allegiance to Abu Obaida in front of me and that you and I are subject to punishment for any violation.
I pray to Allah to grant you and me sincerity. Allah knows that we should be very careful not to do any injustice to anyone.

Your brother,

Abu Hafs

An Incident Worthy of Mention

Background: George is attempting to arrange a Bahraini residence visa and ID card (CPR) with a residency agent who is his usual fine form


George: Adil, your email on how I apply for my residency was a bit vague, could you please clarify-
Adil: What email? I don't remember sending you an email.
George: Hmmm...well I've got an email in front of me with your name at the end of it...
Adil: That wasn't from me, I didn't send you an email.
George: (Pauses...takes deep breath) Well the name at the end of the email is ADIL and it's been emailed from the address ADILAHMED@...
Adil: I didn't send that, someone must have stolen my email address
George: .... hmm...you mean someone stole your email address to specifically email me about my residency application?
Adil: YES! terrible..its just terrible these days...you can't keep things secure...
George: Ok could you please answer a few questions-
Adil: (who'd been mumbling through my last sentence) Vikram! It must have been Vikram...terrible...just terrible I'll be taking action this time
George: Your cleaner and tea guy emailed me about my residency application? Is that what you're telling me? The guy who can't speak english?
Adil: YESYESYES reprehensible!
George: Who now appears to be internet articulate with an amazing ability for written english?
Adil: Yes you can't trust these people...very reprehensible.
George: Adil
Adil: Yes?
George: Where's the address for the offices I apply for CPR...
Adil: (Distracted)......
George: Adil???
Adil: Ma'am didn't you read my email! I told you it was on Exhibition road! (hangs up)

The Arrival of the "Little Tank" and the Couch Observation

Ok so its called the "little tank" and it goes broom. Thats about as much as I know about Aj's new car because he's not gotten out of it. Well, I also know that Brunhilda my golf cart does look rather depressed and resentful sitting next to it but she is MIGHTY or at least thats what I think.

I may have sung "highway to hell" to him the morning he went out to pick the car up which rather amused me and earned me at least one or two metaphorical missiles from the looks I got but apparently the roads aren't as bad as they look as long as you don't look while driving here...hmm...so all is well.

I've just forcebly jettisoned myself from the self directed group I was being coffee bitch for and I now have my tuesday mornings free from the petty one up manship that so characterizes this kind of expat compound. I swear I'm learning a lot about how to deal with ladies behaving badly here...Remind me one of these days to go into detail...on the odd chance one of the old ducks is blog literate I'll be polite which is a lot more than they are. I've never been more tempted to punch another lady in the babymaker as I have been this last week.

SO that aside, I have made yet another fascinating observation of Saudi culture from the outside and this one involves...wait for it....Lounge Couches....thats right you heard me Lounge couches.

OK so we need another lounge couch for our Bahrain house so blindly taking camp gossip to heart I assumed that Saudi was much cheaper than Bahrain for furniture. One of the girls told me Natuzzi in Saudi was a lot cheaper than home so I thought ok...why not and went to look at some very expensive lounge couches...italian leather...nice...price of my car back in Australia and surprizingly uncomfortable compared to the Natuzzi furnature I'd drooled on in Perth.

When I'd recovered my wallet from its dead faint we headed off to a 'discount' furniture outlet thinking that this would provide a better option only to find the couches even more uncomfortable and more expensive. (Starting from about 6000AUD per couch). It wasn't until I heard a Saudi lady describing merits that I'd never even considered of a couch I'd just jarred my tailbone on that I discovered the reason for the expensive appearance that has all the comfort of a bed in a siberian jail. Ramadan. After a few discreet enquiries my hunch looks like its true...it goes like this:

During Ramadan here you've gotta entertain all of your friends and family and they will come to your house and eat and be merry, potentially bankrupting you in the process. (Saudi families are HUGE...about 7 kids per woman) You of course want your house to look as spectacular as possible for this occasion so that the relatives wont have something to one up you on. SO if you offer your house up for visitors, provide food but...and here's the secret...have a couch so uncomfortable that any guest staying long enough to eat the entres will develop haemeroids, they won't eat much and will trundle home early leaving less work for you and you can keep food over for the next night. Genius! This doesn't fix my couch problem but I'm so stoked at this particular bit of Saudi trivia I don't care:)

Anyway I'm off to be "that woman" who's upset the camp matriarch..